I know I can change now - Finally creating again
Well it's been a long time since I have written something, or drawn somewhere, or filmed someone. It's been a long time since I've stopped creating.
But one time, when I was procrastinating and looking at the entirety of my gallery, I stumbled upon an old video I filmed with my friends. It was a funny video, we were having fun at the time.
I watched it 3 or 4 times in a row. We planned to make a private vlog out of it so that we would remember the times we spent together at school.
So I transferred the video and the sound recording to my computer, put it all in a folder, and proceeded to never touch it again for months.
I simply told myself that I would do it later, then proceeded to completely forget about it. I was thinking too much about school, my studies and my future to do something like that. I wanted to succeed, to be able to get in the school I am aiming for.
So I never took the time to create, I would work hard and get too tired to do anything else.
To cope with the stress, I consumed YouTube videos, films, series, manga, social media, or junk-food. And when I felt like my brain was simply not able to do all of that, I simply lay in my bed, sometimes sleeping for hours, sometimes waiting for sleep to come at 1 am.
I didn't know I could be too tired to sleep.
The sad thing is, I didn't even get good results at school. I was scared that I would simply fail, that I wouldn't be able to ever get a job. That I would never be able to afford food and shelter for myself. That I would have to suffer until the end of my pitiful life because I wasn't even able to learn properly.
I was miserable. Miserable and stressed. So I did all of the above to cope with the stress.
Then one day I decided to buy an e-reader. I then started to read some books I found on the internet or that I always wanted to read.
I discovered the stories that my friends have asked me to read for ages. I understood some great lessons from my favorite blogger or from people who spend their lives answering questions I have always asked myself.
I then started to apply what I've learned from those books in my life. I didn't even apply everything, just a small portion of what I've learned. But I took action.
It didn't change a thing the first day. Then after one week it started to make me a bit less stressed. After a month I felt lighter. I had less stressful thoughts, I could think a bit more clearly.
Then one day, I realized that I felt happy again. I wasn't as rushed by responsibilities as I was in the past. I could breathe. It was the first time in years that I didn't feel this calm.
I made a lot of progress then, and I continue to do so. I did better than I could ever do in the past. I could do all of my homework, spend some time to study the class material, ask questions when I didn't understand something.
And it didn't even feel like work. I was more capable than ever; I now feel like I have some influence on my own life.
I felt free.
Then one time, when I was Marie Kondoing my computer, I found the video of me and my friends again. I watched it again; it was still as funny as it was then and also a memory that I completely forgot about. It was a memory that I never wanted to forget about.
I told myself that it would be cool if I made a vlog out of it. Then I made a vlog out of it. It took me 2 hours to edit the video. The finished version wasn't amazing; however the editing did its job, showing the highlights of this important memory I don't want to forget about.
I showed it to one of my friends, I even made a small funny presentation before showing the vlog to her, and she absolutely loved it. I thought that it was a bit crap and that she wouldn't laugh that much.
But we laughed a lot that evening and she said it was a hilarious video, that it was genius. I was super-duper happy that she loved it. That's crazy how much 2 little hours of editing could bring me so much joy, right?
Then I thought about something. What about the enormous amount of projects I did by myself and that I never showed to anyone? Ideas I didn't do because I was simply too scared to fail school? I couldn't keep all of those ideas forever. I have to free them.
I want to share more, I want to show my art, I want to create again.
And I am creating things again now, since I've learned to manage my life better. I am not perfect at it but I'm improving. Now it hasn't been a long time since I have written something, or drawn somewhere, or filmed someone. And I already want to do it now.
Merci à toi chère amie. Si tu lis ce post, sache que c'est grâce à toi si il existe. Je te souhaite le meilleur.